Inevitable

Last first kiss.

buttons

I haven't written.

You missed a lot.

And some of it was really good.





He feels so far away.  Like as soon as we started dating...everything just crashed and burned.
Maybe it's because I expected the clouds to part...

I don't even know.
Annnnnd, I don't know what to do about it.

I just want him to be here.  To listen to me.  To hold my hand.

But, I can't even tell him.  Why can't I just open my mouth and tell him????

Consuming Fire

Dear Heavenly Father,

I miss you.  I wish school wasn't so crazy.  I wish you could steal me away.

I'm sorry for not keeping You first.
I get distracted.  I get selfish.  I get crazy.

And yet, You remain faithful to me.
Your arms are constantly open wide.  Continaully, You usher me into Your presence.

I love how gentle and loving You are.
I love how secure I am when I take shelter in Your wings.

Thank You for never leaving me.
Thank You for being my constant.
Thank You for never changing.

Thank You for loving me the way that You do.

Lucky Charms

Him.

xoxo

Hope

You're super precious.

Unfortunately, you were homeschooled. I knew that wasn't all it was cracked up to be!

Finally, you were honest!

I'm so grateful...for you.  We both made so many wrong assumptions and we both suck at expressing ourselves sometimes...a lot of the time.

But, I am beyond excited!!
Excited...to be real.
Excited that the games are over. (hopefully :p)
Excited to see what the Lord has in store for us.

Nevertheless, I know we have a lot of bumps in the road to still get over. You're not perfect. I am certainly not perfect.

And from what I can tell...relationships, in general, really aren't our thing.
Sooooo, let's be fair to one another.
Let's show one another Respect and Honor.
Let's keep God our #1 priority.

And let's remember love is patient (I think that is going to be the mantra of our togetherness)

:) But yay a million times over
xoxo

Answers

I wanted to cry when I got your "response."
But I don't have a tear in me.

I want to see you.  I want to look into your cold, empty eyes.
As if that would make me feel better.

I want to yell.
I want to scream.

I want peace.
I want healing.

But the truth is...

You have nothing to give...not even empty eyes...

Crickets

Honesty.

It's a game my brother used to  play at his high school group at church.

Honesty.

1) I miss you.

2) I miss how excited I get to see you.

3) I miss your hugs.

4) Your hugs aren't that great.

5) You could hold me tighter.

6) I miss how you never have any ideas.

7) I miss how we can drive together for what seems like forever and never establish a plan.

8) I miss being mad at you when you beat me at minigolf.

9) I miss thinking I can beat you at minigolf.

10) I miss seeing you on Tuesday nights.

11) I really love that you went so I wouldn't have to be alone.

12) I like when I get to sit next to you.

13) I miss being next to you.

14) I miss getting random puzzle pictures.

15) I miss hearing about golf EVERYDAY!

16) I wish I could tell you goodluck when you have a tournament.

17) I wish we were speaking to each other.

18) I wish you would've tried to find out why I was upset.

19) I wish you wouldn't have let me go so easily.

20) I wish you'd tell me how you think...feel...

21) I wish you wouldn't keep me in the dark.

22) I wish you didn't always take.

23) I wish you'd learn to give more.

24) But most of all...I wish I knew if this seperation is right...is it something I just need to get over? Was it inevitable? Was this all we had? Is this the end?

Red lights

Oh, my heart.

fireworks

Happy July!

I get to see him tomorrow. :)



Lord willing <3

Summer

I finished my very last final tonight!

WOO!

This semester was difficult.  Although, I'd say the middle was the hardest.  I ran out of steam.  But it definitely got better towards the end.  I really worked my butt off and I feel like my hard work paid off. Praise the Lord for His strength. 

Um, I got a text from my mom that Chris stopped by.  It was really sweet of him.  When I came home from my final he told me to wait outside.  I was really thankful that he didn't expect me to drop everything...he just wanted the opportunity to see me again and say hello and that's truly flattering.

He knows how to make a girl feel special. :)

My dad invited him in...and made lasagna for us???? haha
My dad doesn't talk to anybody, but he has always liked Chris.  He really reaches out to that kid.  I think it's their connection to the military.  But I really that.  I want my dad to be involved.  I want him to like who I like.  And this shows me he can do that.

But, my hearts a little torn.  I'm not worried about figuring out things so much.  The Lord has been so good to me lately...well always. But, I feel like His presence has been really comforting.  I feel like He's speaking to me.  I feel like He's leading me.  I feel secure. 

However, Im unsure about D.  I surrendered the whole thing awhile ago.  Because, there were a lot of things that concerned me.  One of the biggest things i've talked to mandybear about is not feeling special.

He doesn't make me feel cared for. ever.

Secondly, our communication isn't where i want it to be.  I feel like he thinks our friendship is some sort of game with the main motive being entertainment.
I'm all for having fun...laughing...all that...but that isn't the priority of any true lasting friendship that I have. 

But, since I've stepped away, I feel like he's stepped up.  Just sending me "i hope you do well on your finals" text meant literally the world to me.

He doesn't owe me anything now...but that's the type of thing I'm looking for.  J did all the grand gestures...and that's great...but it's the little things I really care about.  I could care less about gifts or flowers...I just want to know someone has my back and genuinely cares about my heart.

People are who they are.  And I can't change anyone. 

I think this summer will be the true test.  I'm not worried.  I know my God is going before me.

The Swan Song

I'm officially letting go.

I know the Lord is with me.
I am not alone.

You are the joy of my soul.
You are all that I need.

What happened to sucking the marrow out of life??  What happened to living each day like it was your last?? What happend to dreaming big and pushing limits??

I'm Yours.
I will follow You.

Call It Off

Dear Lord,

I'm the biggest hyprocrite there ever lived and  I'm scared out of my mind.

I need You.

dream

I dreamed we had decided to go to disneyland together.

But, there was a communication malfunction.

I called him from disneyland asking him where he was and he told me he had gone to my house to pick me up.

Ultimately, he decided to stay at my house and hang out with my dad while he waited for me to come home.

When I finally did, he was upstairs in my parents room and he was ironing my dad's uniform.
It was supposed to be practice for when he became a police officer.

Ha, my dad was showing him the ropes.

That would be the night we would first hold hands. <3

winchester

Btw, d almost had a fall out with the bar thing you have to walk thru to get into castle park.  All I know is that he wasn't by my side so I look back and he's tripping and his feet are running in the air like when the coyote walks off the cliff...it was stinkin HILARIOUS.

but to be honest...it completely reminded me of when j hit his head on the gun case at the winchester mystery house.  its my favorite memory of him.

haha I just like seeing people make fools of themselves :P its cute.

42-47

Mini golf + frostbite = ?

He brought it up again...

The "what are we" question.

I asked him what he wanted...

"Gah good question...this all kinda snuck up on me pretty fast to be perfectly honest."








And there we have it folks...

To be fair...it did sneak up hecka fast...and I would hate to rush into something that would eventually fizzle out as quickly as it started. 

I need Mary Hart.

Nevermore.

On Thursday we ended up going to the midnight showing of the Raven.
We got there pretty early because we weren't sure about crowd control...plus I for one just wanted to spend more time with him...haha I have no idea if that was his motivation.

But I was hecka tired. So we got iced coffee at target and I bought a couple things for my parents.  It's just nice...running around doing things when he's by my side.  On the other hand, when we have nothing to do we're both kinda a little awkward...we just lack in the creativity department I think.  We're the type of people who need a plan. 

But it was fun. :) We had a good time.

Today, I went to his softball game.  It was sweet.  We kinda distanced ourselves from each other...I think because our parents were there and we were out in public with all his guy friends around.  I don't think either of us are the type of people who like to draw attention to..."relationship" type stuff.  Little ambiguous but you get the picture. Which was the complete opposite with j.  He always wanted to put our love on display...which I think is important.  It definitely shows commitment but I can't say I was ever a big fan. 

For some reason...I've always felt liking a boy was a weakness. 

Anyway, we went to panera bread afterwards which was nice.  Our families get a long and it's just cool...somthing I've never experienced. 

But I like it. I dig us. :)

Frogs and Toads

I really had some low days earlier this week.
And, I can happily report I am doing a lot better.

On Wednesday I decided that I was done-zo.  So when he texted me on Thursday, I was short and to the point.  I even left him behind in Mockingjay. 

But, he seeeeemed...aware...of my change in attitude.
And he ended up asking me to a movie tomorrow, which was exactly what my heart needed.

But, I've been praying about us a lot more and the Lord has given me peace.
I can't let my whole mood depend on him...
It isn't fair for anyone.

But the Lord also reminded me that he just got out of a relationship and it's wrong for me to ask for his heart when it probably hasn't even fully healed yet.  I made a point about not wanting to be the rebound girl, but I've acted hypocritical by wanting him to give me some kind of commitment.

Soooooo, I am satisfied with where we are now...it's not where I want to be forever but I think it's good for both of us. 
I just want to keep this steady pace up and hopefully by June...July...we'll both be able to see where we want to be and what we want in our futures.

I guess...

I feel like an idiot.

I actually believed it was all magically coming together...

To be honest, I'm angry...
I'm frustrated...
And overwhelmed with a loss that doesn't even exist.





But, I know my God is good.
His wisdom is infinite.

And even in this fog...I know He will work it out for good.

P.S

It's like he read my post...he refused to even mention her name and called it the past.

Realize

Let down...

Today we met at Dos Lagos...

Nada.

Zip.

Zero.

Is this the same boy I talked about last night???




Has it all just been in my head this wholeee time????

Gah.
Over it.