Car rides.

It's a funny thing...how much i love being in a car.
For me, it's never been about the destination...it's always been about the drive.

I love the endless road...I love the idea of never ending up anyway. Although, to be honest, I don't know if that's a good thing.

In the car, my mind can run free, even though my body is seatbelted in.

Though, I'm never much company-- I don't really want to talk. (Though I'm not always opposed) But I'd much rather gaze out the window. It's not that I'm ignoring you. In fact, I probably love your presense. I love that you're driving. I love that you're there and I'm not alone. It's a weird thing.

For me, the silence makes the bond stronger. I don't even know why...but I...

Well, it just feels right. Whatever that means.

Children.

I kind of like em. :)

You're my friend.

I am a very lucky girl.

Loved...maybe that's a better word. And the sucky thing is...I don't know why. I spend my night...chatting with probably the most amazing person in the world...even though I'm worth nothing. Going over the conversation, even now, I realize that every word that came out of my mouth was stupid and empty. Selfish really. I love attention too much.

But the truth is...when I get past myself, which is hardly ever.
And just listen...to you...I'm amazed. I love the words that come out of your mouth.
I love the way you speak. I love the way you process things. And I love your heart and it's many convictions. I wish I could literally breathe you in.

And I realized tonight, you're everything I need, but not mature enough to want.
And I'm...well I'm probably the opposite of what you need and maybe a tad bit of what you want...but not really. You're smart enough to know better. But, like you said, there's always that small hint. But that isn't you. It's just human.

Hah, it's funny really. When you really sit down and think about it.

But, I think, at least for this moment...I want to marry you. Definitely not today. Definitely not tomorrow. But maybe in like seven years. But, I'm probably just being a girl. I mean, I'm not attracted to you. You don't light up my world. In fact, I think you're too bold and honest for me. Sometimes, you hurt my feelings...but I can't be mad at you because all you're saying is truth...and that's frustrating. Really frustrating.

But you've got something. Tonight, with all the things you said about love and marriage...well, I love how stable you are. The truth is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of settling. I'm afraid of falling out of love...I'm afraid of not being wanted anymore. But you...you're constant. You don't sway. You're not emotional. I don't have to worry about you not liking me anymore...sure I know my personality irritates you...I know you get sick of me sometimes and wish I'd just go away. But you love me. And that love isn't impacted by your mood.

With you, I feel safe. I didn't feel that way with him. Yes, he gave me butterflys. He made my heart melt at times. But I never felt safe. That whole year...I lived in fear. It became my home. With him, I didn't know my up from my down. One minute I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him...the next minute I wanted to break up. And that's how it went. I loved him. I hated him.

But you, I love you. Not because you're anything special. You're not extraordinarily handsome. You're short. Too short for me, sorry if you ever read this...that one will probably hurt. But it's the truth...if only you were a little bit taller(...i wish i was a....)
In any case, I know that you have more value than I can even calculate. You are a hidden treasure.

But even with my shallow excuses, I know...that if I ever got past them...if I just let myself love you. That would be the end of it. There would be absolutely no turning back. I would be yours forever. And that's the honest truth.

Scary huh?

Maybe I do feel like writing...

It's just that my pen is slower than my fingertips.

Sorry my sweet beautiful half-filled journal.

Sorry.

I'm calmer now.

Truly, now you know, don't ever let me watch a sad movie again. They tear me to shreds. (I don't think I've ever spelt the word "shreds" before...it kind of looks funny)

Nevertheless, I'm sorry for being so dramatic. I never knew this but... I'm dramatic. I barely found out these last couple of months. Mary Hart told me I was dramatic every morning after I repeatedly stated, "I hate my life." I really don't. It's quite nice actually.

It's just that, I don't like loosing people. But is that wrong? To be honest, I really don't know that answer to that question...nor do I know why my keyboard is acting so funny. But I'm being serious. I mean...God...You're the only one I'm supposed to need. And You are. Obviously.

But then...blah... I feel stupid for asking. I just don't get it.

I mean...

Maybe, I'm wrong. Maybe...

Oh, and before I forget to mention...to the love of my life (wherever the heck you are) I am attached to you. Believe me, I'm already yours. But yeah...I didn't mean to make it sound that you are easy to replace. Because you aren't. You really aren't. You're just getting thrown off the island because you're not even on the island to get thrown off. And that's the honest truth. Guess what book I've been reading. Though I stopped...I'll have you know I stopped.

Jesus, You're the best.

I really

hate sad movies. They make me very sad. And that to me is worthless.

dkfjsofjisjfoisj They make me think to much. About death. About loss. About feeling that terrible thing that you can't describe...but it lives in your stomach. And you can't escape it. It really lives there. And you feel gross. And it makes you want to die too. But to be honest, it doesn't at all feel like pain...it's just pure emptiness. And there is nothing worse than that.

I'm really attached. I don't like change. I like to stay right here. On my couch. Knowing that everyone I love is sitting somewhere to. In the right place. It's all about the right place. And that's the truth.

I mean, I dream about .... love. That person. But the truth is. I don't know who that is.
Future love of my life, I don't know who the heck you are. And I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry...but I'm not attached to you yet. I don't need you like I need everyone else.

And I'd give you up. I'd give my whole future up to keep those I have now. But I can't. People come and they go. And I hate that. I hate that so much I could just die right now.

By the way, I'm way over dramatic and writing this all very fast...because I just finished a sad movie. And this is what happens after I watch a sad movie. I get crazy and my thoughts go everywhere and nothing makes sense. Which is why I try to avoid such things...but people tell you that they're good. He said this movie was good. But it was not good. No not at all.

The point is. Well, there is no point. But what my mind kind of whats to communicate...is that if I love you...I really love you. I hope you know that...whoever you are. Whether your my mom, dad, brother, sister, niece, nephew, friend, jfdskjflsjfd the list goes on...if i love you...well- you have to know it. I really need you to know it.

Oh God, I don't understand love. I hate that you give me the capacity but take away the person. I love that sometimes I love empty air. And it's a thing I'm going through. I know that You are good. I know that You are perfect. And I know that who you put into my life and who you take out...there is a true and perfect significance. Even if i don't understand it. And i don't. I really don't.

But, help me to trust You. Help me.

Remove Connection.

Yep. It's that simple. One click and a person can be out of your life forever.

I've learned there are some people you have to love. And by "have to" I don't mean to suggest obligation. It has absolutely nothing to do with custom or a sense of duty. It's more than that.

In fact, nothing could be deeper. Well, at least, that is how my heart feels.

I remember the day we met. He was standing in the basement. I shook his hand and that was the end of it. No immediate connection. I doubt I even remembered his name, but then again...I never do. The next time I saw him, it was at market. We strolled together for a bit, nothing but small talk between us. Hah, it's funny...We were nothing to each other. But my best friend would always walk into our room and say, "That boy is so funny." after spending time with him. I, on the other hand, had no idea what on earth she was talking about.

But then came our night in the mountains. It was so beautiful there; I remember feeling completely overwhelmed by the Lord's goodness and love. That night a couple of us decided to stay up late...and by "decided" i mean...it just happened. It's funny to think about, none of us were really friends at the time, but we would be. In fact, although we were completely unaware, that night was the birth of our family.

From then on we'd stick a little closer than the others. And at first, it just seemed normal. Some people mesh better than others, ya know? That type of stuff. But somewhere along the line we all fell in love. And boy did we fall hard. I can't tell you when, why, or how it happened...but all five (sometimes six) of us...started to need each other. In a way, I can't explain. We were more than blood. To be completely honest, we were closer than any human bond I have ever known.

But in regards to him, well...he became my brother.

And don't even try to give me any crap about that, because he was. He is. And forever will be.

We had three goodbye's. (smile) But the second can best describe how I feel now. Broken.
We were on the train. The three of us. And then he started...started telling us how he had been wrong. How stupid he had been. But, I didn't want to hear any of it. Hearing him say that the last four months had all been a mistake was...well, I don't even know what it was...but it killed me. I felt hurt. Let down. Betrayed. Angry. I couldn't even look at him. But then I realized that this...our last train ride...was goodbye. And I might never see him again.

I pushed past everything. Bottled everything I felt inside. All I could do was sway side to side and sing "Last Christmas" to get my mind off the pain. He joined in too. (smile)

His stop came shortly after. He pushed through the crowd and I realized that that was the end. I called out to him...and he called back. He made us get of the train and you can't realize how ecstatic I was. I've never pushed through a crowd faster. He gave me one last hug and told us that we were princesses and that Jesus would take better care of us than he ever could. Gosh, I love that boy.

We got back on the train without him and I waved goodbye. I have never felt more empty in my life. Truly, he had taken my heart with him and there was nothing to console me.

Last night, I lost him again. This time completely.

But I'll let you know that I know it's for the better. I'm not bitter. Well, maybe just a little. But I love him enough to know it's right.

And one more thing...

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I 've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I 'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more


You changed my life dear friend. Made it better. See you in heaven. (smile)