I forgot to mention

When I snuck out of my parent's room...

Juniper jumped out of bed and followed me.
She walked downstairs with me, so I could write all this down...
and here she is...sitting right beside me...softly asleep.

I am thoroughly retarded.

I was lying on my parents bedroom floor...

Why?
Because I hate being left.

I am twenty years old. And do you want to know who my best friend is??
My dog.

I pretty much love Juniper with all my heart. I love her cute little face. I love how soft her fur is. I love to pet her belly and neck fat. hahaha that sounds really gross...I love to talk to her. Although-it's never meaningful talk like they show in the movies...yeah, she's my baby and she gets to listen to my high pitched annoying voice all day.

But she has one fault...she doesn't like to be bothered when she sleeps...well, I guess I can't really blame her for that...except, most nights- I'm restless. I toss and turn. I try to turn off the thoughts and enter my sweet dreamland...but frankly, it takes time. And Juniper hates that. She doesn't want to readjust. She has one position and she'll stay that way until she wakes up in the morning. So, eventually-she leaves. And my broken heart goes with her. haha.

Or if I stay up too late...she'll leave me and go to our bed by herself, knowing that I'll come up soon enough. She's sweet like that.

But tonight was another one of those restless nights...I felt alone. Really, alone. To the point where you just feel...well, almost sick. There's hopelessness. Well, you just feel like crap.

So, I'll laying on my parent's floor...so that Juniper can fall asleep with them...and I can leave her.
Just that slight difference...and it's bearable. Because, I believe being alone by choice is greater than being alone by abandonment.

And this is all over a dog...

While I was in Italy...well come to think of it, it was another restless night. In any case, I don't even know where the thought came from, but I had the sudden desire to be my grandma Jennie's caretaker. She needed one. Everyone else had failed. And I thought I could somehow help...finally get the opportunity to practice what I preach and love. She would have need of me and I would have need of her. But it wouldn't work out. For various reasons that don't need to be mentioned at this point.

Today, I moved my bed over to my grandma Jessie's. I called her yesterday. I was actually quite nervous to talk to her...I thought she would turn me down. But she didn't have the slightest bit of hesitation...she simply said "okay." I was estactic...I was finally getting my break. I immediately moved my mattress down my flight of stairs and leaned it against the wall...so when I was finally ready to go to sleep last night...I realized I was out of a bed. Truly, it was the weirdest feeling in my life. I moved my mattress from against the wall and set it right smack dab in the middle of the living room. I lay there...sad. Sad, sad, sad. I didn't even get to sleep one last time in my room...I was randomly placed...like I wasn't even home. Like, for a split second, I didn't have a home. I've never felt that before.

Now, I'm remembering when Jarrett moved out. He was sad that day too...I remember him saying he needed a hug...

Today, I walked into my grandpa's old room. It was remarkably clean...not at all like how I had expected it to be. His picture was on the wall. I looked at it. His face was familiar...but the memories...well, they're empty. And that made me...empty.

It's a dark room and all of a sudden, I felt scared. I felt like...he was still in there. Sick and dying. I didn't want to be there.

These are all feelings I did not think I'd be feeling.
But, I know that it's just me...being weird. I know everything will turn out all right.
It will be a good thing.

Laugh.

Sometimes, it's the only thing you can do.

Why? Why?

That seems to be the word of...well, the past couple months actually.
I don't understand. A lot of things. But, I wish I did. Yep, that would definitely be good.
Gosh Lord, You're amazing.

But You don't make any sense. I wish I could pick Your brain sometimes.

If i could run...

I'd get away from you.

Why?

Why?

I don't get. I don't know why the heck this is happening. It isn't fair. Not for me. Not for you.
I hate the human heart. It's so flawed. So stupid.
That's why I lost mine along time ago. It's easier to live when your heart isn't beating.

My hands are empty.
I have nothing to give.

Pretty sure

...I'm having the best cup of tea of my life.

But I burnt my tongue...again. It's a bad habit of mine.

Well, here's the truth. Today I spent my night watching "Say Yes to the Dress" or something like that. It used to be one of my favorite shows. And it makes sense...it's fashion, it's marriage, it's lifelong happiness...pretty much every girls dream.

But tonight...the show made me cringe...I couldn't help but think...

What if that was me...what if I was the one who was planning for the day to say "I do"
And that thought freaked me out! I don't want to put on wedding dresses. I don't want to get married. I don't want to be stuck to a single person for the rest of my ever-lovin' life! That's stressful. Scary. Not pleasant.

And I am not ready. No desire there. I mean, it's there. I mean, I see myself married one day...that day just anywhere near this day. And that's okay. I am okay with that.

I just have to find something to do in the meantime...

This is to You Lord.

You are the only One I feel comfortable with. You're the only One I can be completely honest to.

And You are the only One who knows exactly what my heart is going through.

Lord, I am not a people person. People are irritating. They make me...awkward. And really, they just freak me out. And well, I'm sure that's more my fault than theirs...but it's easier to blame them.

Lord Jesus, I need you. A whole lot. Since I got home from Italy...I've slacked off. I haven't been a woman of prayer, a woman of acting faith, a woman who searches and lives in Your Word. Instead, I've been a sloth. A loser really. And I need to remember this. I need to know that I suck. Badly. That...if there is any good that comes from me...it's really You. And that's all. I'm worthless. I suck. I get prideful so easily. And I think and pretend like I know what I'm doing. But I don't. I don't have a clue, Lord.

But God, You are good. You see me. And You love me. I don't know why...but I'm not going to question it.

In any case, here's the truth. I'm in a mess. Well, maybe my situation isn't so bad...but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was freaking out some. But, I know that You're the answer...I know for a fact that You alone are all I need.

So, that's what I'm going to do...depend fully on You. Pursue You and nothing else. Because I trust that if I seek first Your kingdom and it's righteousness....everything (and you mean everything) will be added unto me.

Amen.

Tomorrow's to do list.
1. Pray like nobody's business.
2. Memorize a verse...not because I have to...but because I need to.
3. Walk Juniper
4. Love my parents
5. Call kohls

Humor.

I love to watch you laugh...even if it's at my expense.