Jewel

I had a really amazing retreat.  There weren't really any "mountain-top" experiences...but rather quiet moments with the Lord.

He reminded me of how much He loves me and how He simply wants to spend time with me and be my friend.  Sometimes, I let my life get busy and I don't spend the necessary time communing with my Father.

Terri made an announcement that there would be containers near the front of the stage and that we were to put our prayer requests, worries, or whatever really, inside the bowl or vase.  Ya know, a giving and a surrender to God.

It's funny...I didn't know what to put in.  Part of me wanted to ask for direction in regards to school and a career...but I've known for a while now that He would lead me in the right direction as long as I kept moving forward.  I'm actually going to major in creative writing.  I mean I love to write.  It's just magic to me.  But, I've never been creative in my life...and this semester when I found out that I would have two creative writing papers...I got so stressed out.  It's totally out of my comfort zone...but that's what made it so thrilling.  I had to open my heart and I had to search my mind in a way that I've never done before.  I got to share about Sandy and picking olives in Italy...and for a split moment, I was reunited with my dear friend and I was back in the field that won my heart so long ago.

I don't know, maybe I've change my major a billion more times but for now it's what I'm going for.  You have to start somewhere ya know.  :)

Then there was the issue with him.  I don't think I was trying to force a relationship into existence...Not that I would claim I'm completely over my control issues...however, I was able to realize that whenever I try to force a relationship into existence it ALWAYS blows up in my face.  And since, one of those times was with him...I think those memories of the past allowed me to...tread lightly, I guess. 

But I would say this...I wanted to know, is this it or is this not it.  Like, let's get this show on the road...chop chop.  Yada Yada Yada...

I felt entitled to an answer.  And it was almost as if my attitude was like, "if he isn't the guy...I'm not going to waste my time nurturing a friendship that will ultimately go no where."  Or..."if he is the guy, we just need to get married...like tomorrow."

It was just sooooo cut and dry.  And I think part of that has to do with my last relationship...We were together for a little over a year and after it was all said and done, I felt like I had let so much time go to waste.  I think about all the time I could have spent at Bible college...actually trying to develop friendships or even just serving the Lord more wholeheartedly and yet I was consumed with fear and confusion.  I just lived inside of a dark hole...when I could have been utilizing my time more effectively.  And it's become a part of my life I don't want to repeat. 

But I think what I learned or am learning...is we don't have to rush...their aren't any time constraints...

He himself is just out of a relationship and I know from personal experience that it takes time to sort through all that...and not even just the feelings aspect but learning "ok, this is where I went wrong or this is a quality I am not willing to compromise with a partner or this quality isn't as important as I thought it would be..."  Etc Etc

All in all, he's my friend and I am his.  Maybe nothing romantic will stem from what we have now...but I have to be willing to invest...we need to get to know each other and stop assuming that we already have. 

A lot can happen in seven years...and I've realized I want to know a lot more about that and how he got to where he is today. :)

I guess the point is I need to put in my dues.

And if the time ever does come where we reach a fork in the road...
I want us to both be strong enough to walk away or........

I want him to put himself out there...take a leap, and really risk everything...

when your body wants to run but your heart knows you're better than that

You tell yourself you're ready...

That you're sincere with your surrender...

"I just want an answer Lord...even if it is a no."

And then the "no" comes and you're like...

dangit.

in shallow seas we sail

It might sound like I don't want a future with him.

And at this point...I don't.

But that's only because he isn't pursuing me.

Maybe he'll never think I'm worth it...

Friendship.

Things had been like...stagnating water.
He was there, but what did that really mean?

He just came out of nowhere...

And that's the question that kept replaying in my mind.
Why? Why in the world did he come back?

It's not like he wanted to talk about something specific. It didn't seem like he had any questions of his own. We would just talk at each other. Our conversations were like tennis games mandybear and I would play. We never tried to get the other person out...it was just a monotenous passing back and forth.

And after talking with Jacqui...he was starting to get me frustrated. Because the truth of the matter is, I'm sick and tired of playing games.

If our relationship means anything at all...I need him to say so. I don't want to test the waters...I don't want to have to poke him with a stick to provoke him express how he feels about us.

And I mean...I am okay if this is just some random act of boredom...but I refuse to have my heart hope in something that will never even exist. I don't have the time or patience.

When the topic of summer came up he said that we'd have more time to spend with each other...

I replied..."We've always had time."

He then asked, "Then what's been holding us back?"

Maybe we never really wanted to...

seasons.

His name gets coming up more and more in casual conversation.
I know my mom notices...

Last night we drove home from my brother's house and we were able to talk about the past, present, and future.

I guess I have the okay...because she admitted last night, "I wouldn't mind if you ended up marrying him."

victor.

It was kinda out of the blue. But then again, he's kinda always been out of the blue.

I didn't know what to expect. Because we know each other. We may not share our inner secrets. I don't know what band he's into at the moment...but when all those things, whether important or not so important, are put aside...we're familiar.

It's like when you go to that awkward party where you don't really know anybody...and you're searching, desperately searching for someone who can be your social anchor and then you see them...that familiar face...and you know you're safe.

But then there's that other side of the equation. There is no awkward party. It's just the two of you. And you've been down that road before and it didn't end pretty...

It's funny, I saw him sitting at that table and all my anxiety vanished. I was just so happy to see him. We hugged and it just felt so right.

The night was okay...I'd say it was nothing to write home about...but what the heck am I doing now?

Ya know, all the reservations I had brought to the table...he completely refuted without even knowing they were there. I said I didn't want to date someone who dressed like a 12 year old and the first thing I noted was he was actually wearing normal clothes.

He looked really good. Handsome in fact.

And he's pursuing a future. He's committed...not just because it's "important" but strictly because he gave his word. That's HUGE for me. And he's smart...I forgot how smart.

The bottom line is...he's not the same boy I met seven years ago. Ha, he told me tonight that people change every seven years...maybe it's true.

Obviously, I've been praying about us a lot this past week...because I didn't know what to expect. I wouldn't say I have feelings for him and I wouldn't say he has feelings for me. Ya know, I don't know why he texted me when he did and I don't know why he suggested icecream...or if he even thought I would take him up on the offer.

And I'm not planning our wedding. For the first time, I haven't planned our whole future.

The truth is...I don't know what this is. Rebound? Boredom? I mean he did give up his job. But whatever, the point is I don't know.

The Lord has really been speaking to me lately and I really feel like He is doing a work in my heart and I don't want to let that go. I refuse to let anything or anyone get in the way of that. My food is to obey the Father's will.

Oh Lord, you're so good to me. Even if this is nothing, You're just so good.

Couldn't get enough if I tried. :)

battle

I feel stupid.

Irrational.

Like a total freakin girl.

What the flip is wrong with me??

Gah.