battle

I feel stupid.

Irrational.

Like a total freakin girl.

What the flip is wrong with me??

Gah.

christmas.

I waited so long for you to come. And here you are.

Highlights:

-Parents fighting over dropped tree/broken ornaments
-Memories of familiar faces
-Memories of people I wish I could collect from all parts of the world and stick into one room...just to eat up their presence
-Homework
-Great christmas presents to give and recieve
-Barnes and Noble giftcards
-Chatting with an old friend in their front yard
-Being at church
-Seeing Pastor Dave get up so quickly to sing Feliz Navidad-always ready to serve
-Hugs at work
-Food, hot chocolate
-Family
-Lights
-Cookies for neighbors
-Tears of love
-Being grateful for Jesus and what He did and continues to do for me

Dear God,

I haven't just spent time with you. I haven't put everything aside and just sat quietly at Your feet. I've been too busy to listen. I've been too distracted to care. Like buzz lightyear, I feel like I've been put on demo mode. I don't even feel real?

I'm supposed to graduate in six days...but I don't have any energy left. I'm empty. In every sense of the world. I have regret. I have blame. I have excuses. But I don't have time.

But maybe now is not the time to pray. Maybe it's time to do.

Give me the strength to finish what I've started. Help me to run towards the prize.
Instead of beating the air.

Love you for loving me.

Giving up

I wish it was easy.

I wish I could push it all under the rug.

But I can't forget my responsibility. It doesn't let me sleep.

Crocodile Tears

I want to cry so badly.

Like really cry.

The dramatic heaving type.

The uncontrollable type.

Where it just flows and flows and makes you realize you never knew you had so much water in you.

Ya know, the type where you can't breathe.

But, I just don't have anything in me. For some stupid reason, even though I'm a storehouse of worry, anxiety, stress, and burden...I'm somehow not all those things...
It's just too weird for me.

Most days.

I'll be honest. For the most part, I don't even believe you exist.
You just don't seem real.

Probably because I've never experienced anything close to what we'll have.
It's always been one-sided.

Never ever both.

But, lately I feel like you're around the corner. Truly, I feel so close.

But who knows. I don't.

The finish line.

Somebody tell me it's close.

Somebody tell me that i can win.

Because I don't see the finish line or the victory.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh real monsters.