christmas.

I waited so long for you to come. And here you are.

Highlights:

-Parents fighting over dropped tree/broken ornaments
-Memories of familiar faces
-Memories of people I wish I could collect from all parts of the world and stick into one room...just to eat up their presence
-Homework
-Great christmas presents to give and recieve
-Barnes and Noble giftcards
-Chatting with an old friend in their front yard
-Being at church
-Seeing Pastor Dave get up so quickly to sing Feliz Navidad-always ready to serve
-Hugs at work
-Food, hot chocolate
-Family
-Lights
-Cookies for neighbors
-Tears of love
-Being grateful for Jesus and what He did and continues to do for me

Dear God,

I haven't just spent time with you. I haven't put everything aside and just sat quietly at Your feet. I've been too busy to listen. I've been too distracted to care. Like buzz lightyear, I feel like I've been put on demo mode. I don't even feel real?

I'm supposed to graduate in six days...but I don't have any energy left. I'm empty. In every sense of the world. I have regret. I have blame. I have excuses. But I don't have time.

But maybe now is not the time to pray. Maybe it's time to do.

Give me the strength to finish what I've started. Help me to run towards the prize.
Instead of beating the air.

Love you for loving me.

Giving up

I wish it was easy.

I wish I could push it all under the rug.

But I can't forget my responsibility. It doesn't let me sleep.

Crocodile Tears

I want to cry so badly.

Like really cry.

The dramatic heaving type.

The uncontrollable type.

Where it just flows and flows and makes you realize you never knew you had so much water in you.

Ya know, the type where you can't breathe.

But, I just don't have anything in me. For some stupid reason, even though I'm a storehouse of worry, anxiety, stress, and burden...I'm somehow not all those things...
It's just too weird for me.

Most days.

I'll be honest. For the most part, I don't even believe you exist.
You just don't seem real.

Probably because I've never experienced anything close to what we'll have.
It's always been one-sided.

Never ever both.

But, lately I feel like you're around the corner. Truly, I feel so close.

But who knows. I don't.

The finish line.

Somebody tell me it's close.

Somebody tell me that i can win.

Because I don't see the finish line or the victory.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh real monsters.

nose to nose.

I missed you today.

More than usual I think.

I think you should just show up already.

Oh you.

I know you want to brave.

And I know that you are brave.



I wish I could protect you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you.
I wish I could fix your every worry.

But more importantly, I know that isn't my place.

Even so, I'll keep right on praying.

sleep repeat.

I know what you're trying to do.

And ya know what, I don't even care. You're not gonna win this one.





Oh Lord, You alone are good. You have filled me and blessed me beyond measure. And i'm not going to let anyone or anything persuade me to believe different. Things might not be going the way that I would like them too. But i choose to be thankful for all things because i am sure that you are working all things together for the good. I trust you and I know I can depend on Your love. It never changes and it never fails.

Jesus Christ, i am butter in Your hands.

Fear.

I can feel it.

But I need to stop running. Lord, help me to stop running.

whirlwinds.

I have so much to look forward to.

But it's taking so long to get there.

beauty passes away...

I hate when someone tells you something...and it catches you by surprise.

The words they express aren't typical to their behavior. They are normally so indifferent. But for one split second you think they really care...they really mean what they say.

But then you realize...as they have already passed onto the next thing to say....they were just empty words. In fact, they have no idea they said them.

But then you're just left there. Trying to process. Trying to make what you heard real. But it just can't be done. But you still have to wrestle with it because even though you know you'll loose...you can't go down without trying to win.

All the while...the person is jabbering on about something else...

but you aren't listening.

Those first words just keep on repeating.

Life happens????

Boys can be sooooo stupid sometimes.


Give me a flippin' break...