Inevitable

Last first kiss.

buttons

I haven't written.

You missed a lot.

And some of it was really good.





He feels so far away.  Like as soon as we started dating...everything just crashed and burned.
Maybe it's because I expected the clouds to part...

I don't even know.
Annnnnd, I don't know what to do about it.

I just want him to be here.  To listen to me.  To hold my hand.

But, I can't even tell him.  Why can't I just open my mouth and tell him????

Consuming Fire

Dear Heavenly Father,

I miss you.  I wish school wasn't so crazy.  I wish you could steal me away.

I'm sorry for not keeping You first.
I get distracted.  I get selfish.  I get crazy.

And yet, You remain faithful to me.
Your arms are constantly open wide.  Continaully, You usher me into Your presence.

I love how gentle and loving You are.
I love how secure I am when I take shelter in Your wings.

Thank You for never leaving me.
Thank You for being my constant.
Thank You for never changing.

Thank You for loving me the way that You do.

Lucky Charms

Him.

xoxo

Hope

You're super precious.

Unfortunately, you were homeschooled. I knew that wasn't all it was cracked up to be!

Finally, you were honest!

I'm so grateful...for you.  We both made so many wrong assumptions and we both suck at expressing ourselves sometimes...a lot of the time.

But, I am beyond excited!!
Excited...to be real.
Excited that the games are over. (hopefully :p)
Excited to see what the Lord has in store for us.

Nevertheless, I know we have a lot of bumps in the road to still get over. You're not perfect. I am certainly not perfect.

And from what I can tell...relationships, in general, really aren't our thing.
Sooooo, let's be fair to one another.
Let's show one another Respect and Honor.
Let's keep God our #1 priority.

And let's remember love is patient (I think that is going to be the mantra of our togetherness)

:) But yay a million times over
xoxo

Answers

I wanted to cry when I got your "response."
But I don't have a tear in me.

I want to see you.  I want to look into your cold, empty eyes.
As if that would make me feel better.

I want to yell.
I want to scream.

I want peace.
I want healing.

But the truth is...

You have nothing to give...not even empty eyes...

Crickets

Honesty.

It's a game my brother used to  play at his high school group at church.

Honesty.

1) I miss you.

2) I miss how excited I get to see you.

3) I miss your hugs.

4) Your hugs aren't that great.

5) You could hold me tighter.

6) I miss how you never have any ideas.

7) I miss how we can drive together for what seems like forever and never establish a plan.

8) I miss being mad at you when you beat me at minigolf.

9) I miss thinking I can beat you at minigolf.

10) I miss seeing you on Tuesday nights.

11) I really love that you went so I wouldn't have to be alone.

12) I like when I get to sit next to you.

13) I miss being next to you.

14) I miss getting random puzzle pictures.

15) I miss hearing about golf EVERYDAY!

16) I wish I could tell you goodluck when you have a tournament.

17) I wish we were speaking to each other.

18) I wish you would've tried to find out why I was upset.

19) I wish you wouldn't have let me go so easily.

20) I wish you'd tell me how you think...feel...

21) I wish you wouldn't keep me in the dark.

22) I wish you didn't always take.

23) I wish you'd learn to give more.

24) But most of all...I wish I knew if this seperation is right...is it something I just need to get over? Was it inevitable? Was this all we had? Is this the end?

Red lights

Oh, my heart.

fireworks

Happy July!

I get to see him tomorrow. :)



Lord willing <3

Summer

I finished my very last final tonight!

WOO!

This semester was difficult.  Although, I'd say the middle was the hardest.  I ran out of steam.  But it definitely got better towards the end.  I really worked my butt off and I feel like my hard work paid off. Praise the Lord for His strength. 

Um, I got a text from my mom that Chris stopped by.  It was really sweet of him.  When I came home from my final he told me to wait outside.  I was really thankful that he didn't expect me to drop everything...he just wanted the opportunity to see me again and say hello and that's truly flattering.

He knows how to make a girl feel special. :)

My dad invited him in...and made lasagna for us???? haha
My dad doesn't talk to anybody, but he has always liked Chris.  He really reaches out to that kid.  I think it's their connection to the military.  But I really that.  I want my dad to be involved.  I want him to like who I like.  And this shows me he can do that.

But, my hearts a little torn.  I'm not worried about figuring out things so much.  The Lord has been so good to me lately...well always. But, I feel like His presence has been really comforting.  I feel like He's speaking to me.  I feel like He's leading me.  I feel secure. 

However, Im unsure about D.  I surrendered the whole thing awhile ago.  Because, there were a lot of things that concerned me.  One of the biggest things i've talked to mandybear about is not feeling special.

He doesn't make me feel cared for. ever.

Secondly, our communication isn't where i want it to be.  I feel like he thinks our friendship is some sort of game with the main motive being entertainment.
I'm all for having fun...laughing...all that...but that isn't the priority of any true lasting friendship that I have. 

But, since I've stepped away, I feel like he's stepped up.  Just sending me "i hope you do well on your finals" text meant literally the world to me.

He doesn't owe me anything now...but that's the type of thing I'm looking for.  J did all the grand gestures...and that's great...but it's the little things I really care about.  I could care less about gifts or flowers...I just want to know someone has my back and genuinely cares about my heart.

People are who they are.  And I can't change anyone. 

I think this summer will be the true test.  I'm not worried.  I know my God is going before me.

The Swan Song

I'm officially letting go.

I know the Lord is with me.
I am not alone.

You are the joy of my soul.
You are all that I need.

What happened to sucking the marrow out of life??  What happened to living each day like it was your last?? What happend to dreaming big and pushing limits??

I'm Yours.
I will follow You.

Call It Off

Dear Lord,

I'm the biggest hyprocrite there ever lived and  I'm scared out of my mind.

I need You.

dream

I dreamed we had decided to go to disneyland together.

But, there was a communication malfunction.

I called him from disneyland asking him where he was and he told me he had gone to my house to pick me up.

Ultimately, he decided to stay at my house and hang out with my dad while he waited for me to come home.

When I finally did, he was upstairs in my parents room and he was ironing my dad's uniform.
It was supposed to be practice for when he became a police officer.

Ha, my dad was showing him the ropes.

That would be the night we would first hold hands. <3

winchester

Btw, d almost had a fall out with the bar thing you have to walk thru to get into castle park.  All I know is that he wasn't by my side so I look back and he's tripping and his feet are running in the air like when the coyote walks off the cliff...it was stinkin HILARIOUS.

but to be honest...it completely reminded me of when j hit his head on the gun case at the winchester mystery house.  its my favorite memory of him.

haha I just like seeing people make fools of themselves :P its cute.

42-47

Mini golf + frostbite = ?

He brought it up again...

The "what are we" question.

I asked him what he wanted...

"Gah good question...this all kinda snuck up on me pretty fast to be perfectly honest."








And there we have it folks...

To be fair...it did sneak up hecka fast...and I would hate to rush into something that would eventually fizzle out as quickly as it started. 

I need Mary Hart.

Nevermore.

On Thursday we ended up going to the midnight showing of the Raven.
We got there pretty early because we weren't sure about crowd control...plus I for one just wanted to spend more time with him...haha I have no idea if that was his motivation.

But I was hecka tired. So we got iced coffee at target and I bought a couple things for my parents.  It's just nice...running around doing things when he's by my side.  On the other hand, when we have nothing to do we're both kinda a little awkward...we just lack in the creativity department I think.  We're the type of people who need a plan. 

But it was fun. :) We had a good time.

Today, I went to his softball game.  It was sweet.  We kinda distanced ourselves from each other...I think because our parents were there and we were out in public with all his guy friends around.  I don't think either of us are the type of people who like to draw attention to..."relationship" type stuff.  Little ambiguous but you get the picture. Which was the complete opposite with j.  He always wanted to put our love on display...which I think is important.  It definitely shows commitment but I can't say I was ever a big fan. 

For some reason...I've always felt liking a boy was a weakness. 

Anyway, we went to panera bread afterwards which was nice.  Our families get a long and it's just cool...somthing I've never experienced. 

But I like it. I dig us. :)

Frogs and Toads

I really had some low days earlier this week.
And, I can happily report I am doing a lot better.

On Wednesday I decided that I was done-zo.  So when he texted me on Thursday, I was short and to the point.  I even left him behind in Mockingjay. 

But, he seeeeemed...aware...of my change in attitude.
And he ended up asking me to a movie tomorrow, which was exactly what my heart needed.

But, I've been praying about us a lot more and the Lord has given me peace.
I can't let my whole mood depend on him...
It isn't fair for anyone.

But the Lord also reminded me that he just got out of a relationship and it's wrong for me to ask for his heart when it probably hasn't even fully healed yet.  I made a point about not wanting to be the rebound girl, but I've acted hypocritical by wanting him to give me some kind of commitment.

Soooooo, I am satisfied with where we are now...it's not where I want to be forever but I think it's good for both of us. 
I just want to keep this steady pace up and hopefully by June...July...we'll both be able to see where we want to be and what we want in our futures.

I guess...

I feel like an idiot.

I actually believed it was all magically coming together...

To be honest, I'm angry...
I'm frustrated...
And overwhelmed with a loss that doesn't even exist.





But, I know my God is good.
His wisdom is infinite.

And even in this fog...I know He will work it out for good.

P.S

It's like he read my post...he refused to even mention her name and called it the past.

Realize

Let down...

Today we met at Dos Lagos...

Nada.

Zip.

Zero.

Is this the same boy I talked about last night???




Has it all just been in my head this wholeee time????

Gah.
Over it.

i'll be by your side

Ahh Lifehouse, you know how to make my heart happy.

Sooo, two days ago...both of our schedules were clear.  And I knew I wanted to see him.  But suggesting to hang out???---I have never done that with ANY guy.

But my feelings tied into my last post about nurturing what we have and putting in my dues.
It was out of my comfort zone but I actually didn't think to much about it and pressed "send" knowing there would be no way to turn back.

We decided to go play some mini golf and I assumed we'd be meeting up there...but then he suggested picking me up...<3 heart melted.
I actually don't mind driving when I'm by myself, but I loved that it crossed his mind.

And I wanted him to see my parents...last time, our relationship was a dramatized secret...but this time I really wanted things to be open and honest and more than anything to have my parents involved. 
When he showed up at my door, I felt like he was nervous or quiet or something which I also thought was super cute.  He talked to my parents for a split second but it was enough to keep everyone satisfied. 

I also noticed he friend requested my mom on facebook today...that's how I know he cares about me.  :)
And the fact that he wants to build a relationship with my family scores major points. More than anything I've learned I want someone who is willing to blend. <3 And he did that all on his own. :)

We also decided to see chimpanzee...another clue he's taking steps of investment...what guy would sit through a monkey movie narrated by tim allen. haha I love it.

And then on saturday night...when we didn't text I missed him.  Only one day later and I'm missing him, cmon that's crazy--especially for introverted me. 

Even today he sent me this text:

"my mom was like, 'you and tracie are hanging out a lot, you dating?' I'm like, 'no, just friends.' but in the back of my mind was like...I FREAKING WISH I KNEW"

haha...exactly how I feel...I forgot to mention when we went mini golfing, I didn't know if we were on a date.  I mean it felt like a date but I'm not one to make presumptions.  So to sort of test the waters, I asked if I could give him the money and leave my purse in his car.  He answered "no" but when I asked why he said, "because I'm paying."  HEART MELTED again..date "established"

But even then I didn't want to hope in something that wasn't real so I paid for our movie.

Not that I expect him to pay for everything if we do become a couple...but since we aren't now I can't help keeping tabs on the money he spends on me.  However, if things continue to go the way they are I'd hope there would be less tallying and more just wanting to spend time together.

So this is my brief overview.

But on the flip side...he mentions her a little too much.  Not that I feel threatened...he isn't even mine to claim but it just demonstrates that he isn't over her.  Not that I think he wants to get back with her because the same thing happened with I broke up with my exboyfriend...I knew our breakup was for the best but it was still hard living a life that didn't include him.  Memories were everywhere and I could tie anything and everything to him and us.  And I know that's how it's going to be the same with him, at least for a while. 

But then that stupid fear creeps back in...am I the rebound again?????
Please Lord, help me not to be stupid.  If there is something I'm not seeing, please show me.
I don't want my heart to break again...especially with the same boy...for the same reason...

Jewel

I had a really amazing retreat.  There weren't really any "mountain-top" experiences...but rather quiet moments with the Lord.

He reminded me of how much He loves me and how He simply wants to spend time with me and be my friend.  Sometimes, I let my life get busy and I don't spend the necessary time communing with my Father.

Terri made an announcement that there would be containers near the front of the stage and that we were to put our prayer requests, worries, or whatever really, inside the bowl or vase.  Ya know, a giving and a surrender to God.

It's funny...I didn't know what to put in.  Part of me wanted to ask for direction in regards to school and a career...but I've known for a while now that He would lead me in the right direction as long as I kept moving forward.  I'm actually going to major in creative writing.  I mean I love to write.  It's just magic to me.  But, I've never been creative in my life...and this semester when I found out that I would have two creative writing papers...I got so stressed out.  It's totally out of my comfort zone...but that's what made it so thrilling.  I had to open my heart and I had to search my mind in a way that I've never done before.  I got to share about Sandy and picking olives in Italy...and for a split moment, I was reunited with my dear friend and I was back in the field that won my heart so long ago.

I don't know, maybe I've change my major a billion more times but for now it's what I'm going for.  You have to start somewhere ya know.  :)

Then there was the issue with him.  I don't think I was trying to force a relationship into existence...Not that I would claim I'm completely over my control issues...however, I was able to realize that whenever I try to force a relationship into existence it ALWAYS blows up in my face.  And since, one of those times was with him...I think those memories of the past allowed me to...tread lightly, I guess. 

But I would say this...I wanted to know, is this it or is this not it.  Like, let's get this show on the road...chop chop.  Yada Yada Yada...

I felt entitled to an answer.  And it was almost as if my attitude was like, "if he isn't the guy...I'm not going to waste my time nurturing a friendship that will ultimately go no where."  Or..."if he is the guy, we just need to get married...like tomorrow."

It was just sooooo cut and dry.  And I think part of that has to do with my last relationship...We were together for a little over a year and after it was all said and done, I felt like I had let so much time go to waste.  I think about all the time I could have spent at Bible college...actually trying to develop friendships or even just serving the Lord more wholeheartedly and yet I was consumed with fear and confusion.  I just lived inside of a dark hole...when I could have been utilizing my time more effectively.  And it's become a part of my life I don't want to repeat. 

But I think what I learned or am learning...is we don't have to rush...their aren't any time constraints...

He himself is just out of a relationship and I know from personal experience that it takes time to sort through all that...and not even just the feelings aspect but learning "ok, this is where I went wrong or this is a quality I am not willing to compromise with a partner or this quality isn't as important as I thought it would be..."  Etc Etc

All in all, he's my friend and I am his.  Maybe nothing romantic will stem from what we have now...but I have to be willing to invest...we need to get to know each other and stop assuming that we already have. 

A lot can happen in seven years...and I've realized I want to know a lot more about that and how he got to where he is today. :)

I guess the point is I need to put in my dues.

And if the time ever does come where we reach a fork in the road...
I want us to both be strong enough to walk away or........

I want him to put himself out there...take a leap, and really risk everything...

when your body wants to run but your heart knows you're better than that

You tell yourself you're ready...

That you're sincere with your surrender...

"I just want an answer Lord...even if it is a no."

And then the "no" comes and you're like...

dangit.

in shallow seas we sail

It might sound like I don't want a future with him.

And at this point...I don't.

But that's only because he isn't pursuing me.

Maybe he'll never think I'm worth it...

Friendship.

Things had been like...stagnating water.
He was there, but what did that really mean?

He just came out of nowhere...

And that's the question that kept replaying in my mind.
Why? Why in the world did he come back?

It's not like he wanted to talk about something specific. It didn't seem like he had any questions of his own. We would just talk at each other. Our conversations were like tennis games mandybear and I would play. We never tried to get the other person out...it was just a monotenous passing back and forth.

And after talking with Jacqui...he was starting to get me frustrated. Because the truth of the matter is, I'm sick and tired of playing games.

If our relationship means anything at all...I need him to say so. I don't want to test the waters...I don't want to have to poke him with a stick to provoke him express how he feels about us.

And I mean...I am okay if this is just some random act of boredom...but I refuse to have my heart hope in something that will never even exist. I don't have the time or patience.

When the topic of summer came up he said that we'd have more time to spend with each other...

I replied..."We've always had time."

He then asked, "Then what's been holding us back?"

Maybe we never really wanted to...

seasons.

His name gets coming up more and more in casual conversation.
I know my mom notices...

Last night we drove home from my brother's house and we were able to talk about the past, present, and future.

I guess I have the okay...because she admitted last night, "I wouldn't mind if you ended up marrying him."

victor.

It was kinda out of the blue. But then again, he's kinda always been out of the blue.

I didn't know what to expect. Because we know each other. We may not share our inner secrets. I don't know what band he's into at the moment...but when all those things, whether important or not so important, are put aside...we're familiar.

It's like when you go to that awkward party where you don't really know anybody...and you're searching, desperately searching for someone who can be your social anchor and then you see them...that familiar face...and you know you're safe.

But then there's that other side of the equation. There is no awkward party. It's just the two of you. And you've been down that road before and it didn't end pretty...

It's funny, I saw him sitting at that table and all my anxiety vanished. I was just so happy to see him. We hugged and it just felt so right.

The night was okay...I'd say it was nothing to write home about...but what the heck am I doing now?

Ya know, all the reservations I had brought to the table...he completely refuted without even knowing they were there. I said I didn't want to date someone who dressed like a 12 year old and the first thing I noted was he was actually wearing normal clothes.

He looked really good. Handsome in fact.

And he's pursuing a future. He's committed...not just because it's "important" but strictly because he gave his word. That's HUGE for me. And he's smart...I forgot how smart.

The bottom line is...he's not the same boy I met seven years ago. Ha, he told me tonight that people change every seven years...maybe it's true.

Obviously, I've been praying about us a lot this past week...because I didn't know what to expect. I wouldn't say I have feelings for him and I wouldn't say he has feelings for me. Ya know, I don't know why he texted me when he did and I don't know why he suggested icecream...or if he even thought I would take him up on the offer.

And I'm not planning our wedding. For the first time, I haven't planned our whole future.

The truth is...I don't know what this is. Rebound? Boredom? I mean he did give up his job. But whatever, the point is I don't know.

The Lord has really been speaking to me lately and I really feel like He is doing a work in my heart and I don't want to let that go. I refuse to let anything or anyone get in the way of that. My food is to obey the Father's will.

Oh Lord, you're so good to me. Even if this is nothing, You're just so good.

Couldn't get enough if I tried. :)