Remove Connection.

Yep. It's that simple. One click and a person can be out of your life forever.

I've learned there are some people you have to love. And by "have to" I don't mean to suggest obligation. It has absolutely nothing to do with custom or a sense of duty. It's more than that.

In fact, nothing could be deeper. Well, at least, that is how my heart feels.

I remember the day we met. He was standing in the basement. I shook his hand and that was the end of it. No immediate connection. I doubt I even remembered his name, but then again...I never do. The next time I saw him, it was at market. We strolled together for a bit, nothing but small talk between us. Hah, it's funny...We were nothing to each other. But my best friend would always walk into our room and say, "That boy is so funny." after spending time with him. I, on the other hand, had no idea what on earth she was talking about.

But then came our night in the mountains. It was so beautiful there; I remember feeling completely overwhelmed by the Lord's goodness and love. That night a couple of us decided to stay up late...and by "decided" i mean...it just happened. It's funny to think about, none of us were really friends at the time, but we would be. In fact, although we were completely unaware, that night was the birth of our family.

From then on we'd stick a little closer than the others. And at first, it just seemed normal. Some people mesh better than others, ya know? That type of stuff. But somewhere along the line we all fell in love. And boy did we fall hard. I can't tell you when, why, or how it happened...but all five (sometimes six) of us...started to need each other. In a way, I can't explain. We were more than blood. To be completely honest, we were closer than any human bond I have ever known.

But in regards to him, well...he became my brother.

And don't even try to give me any crap about that, because he was. He is. And forever will be.

We had three goodbye's. (smile) But the second can best describe how I feel now. Broken.
We were on the train. The three of us. And then he started...started telling us how he had been wrong. How stupid he had been. But, I didn't want to hear any of it. Hearing him say that the last four months had all been a mistake was...well, I don't even know what it was...but it killed me. I felt hurt. Let down. Betrayed. Angry. I couldn't even look at him. But then I realized that this...our last train ride...was goodbye. And I might never see him again.

I pushed past everything. Bottled everything I felt inside. All I could do was sway side to side and sing "Last Christmas" to get my mind off the pain. He joined in too. (smile)

His stop came shortly after. He pushed through the crowd and I realized that that was the end. I called out to him...and he called back. He made us get of the train and you can't realize how ecstatic I was. I've never pushed through a crowd faster. He gave me one last hug and told us that we were princesses and that Jesus would take better care of us than he ever could. Gosh, I love that boy.

We got back on the train without him and I waved goodbye. I have never felt more empty in my life. Truly, he had taken my heart with him and there was nothing to console me.

Last night, I lost him again. This time completely.

But I'll let you know that I know it's for the better. I'm not bitter. Well, maybe just a little. But I love him enough to know it's right.

And one more thing...

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I 've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I 'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more


You changed my life dear friend. Made it better. See you in heaven. (smile)

my wandering mind...

Lately, I have lost focus of what's important. I've become distracted in every sense.

And then I hear God's Word and it speaks! Ya know, I read a lot. Well...yeah. And i'll come to a "great line" and be all "that's catchy" or "what a good point."

But when God's Word hits me...it literally knocks me off my feet! My mind is so evil. It's so self-seeking. I am attracted to pride. I am attracted to status.

But then I read how God, Jesus Christ, humbled Himself. And my mind is blown. God. God, the creator of heaven and earth...the one who breathed stars into existence...the One who knows the number of hairs on every person's head, became a man and died...for me. Little ol' me.

Jesus, you rock my world. You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round! lol And i'm not even exaggerating!
Oh Lord, You know i suck. You know I get caught up in myself. ME ME ME...that's all I ever care about. But God, transform me with Your holy Word.

Change me. Change my mind. My way of thinking. I need you. Oh, how i need thee so desperately. :)

Praise You. Over and over.

Some things hit you hard...

like all the lies you've told...

I'm sorry, a million times over.
To you, to me, to you...

By the way..

I'm vague.

I am romantic...really

Old friends. They bring a lot of things to mind.

...Especially if you haven't seen them in over a year.


My jar of excuses was empty...I couldn't think of one good reason not to see them. (Except for: I simply didn't want to, it would be more than awkward, and I hate being uncomfortable.)
But I decided to just suck it up...I thought, "Who knows, maybe it will be fun."

I was nervous. Thoughts were spinning and I had no idea what I was doing or thinking when I suggested ice-cream. (Ice-cream. It's my default. Happy place. Home. Good with the people you like and the people you don't.)

Then they called to confirm. Even seeing their name on my caller id made my stomach uneasy. But then I heard them say hello...their voice was so familiar. Safe. This was something I was definitely not expecting. Not in the least.

Overall, the evening was...weird, awkward, fun, and entertaining? And I got a scoop of cookies n cream. That was obviously delightful.

But then it got uncomfortable. And I remembered why I was so nervous in the beginning.. Because some things...never change.

You make me laugh...

Summer has taught me...things don't always go as planned.

But you already knew that didn't you??

I really don't know what to say. So much has happened. So little has happened. All I can say is, I am NEVER prepared for things...somehow, I am always caught completely offguard. I had it all figured out. I was sure. Steady. But then the earth moved under my feet...

I fell and made mistakes I swore I'd never make.

Get some sleep world; tomorrow is a new day.

Even though I'm quite pedestrian...

I've avoided homework all day. By taking a drive to dell taco...even though I had dinner thirty minutes before.