christmas.

I waited so long for you to come. And here you are.

Highlights:

-Parents fighting over dropped tree/broken ornaments
-Memories of familiar faces
-Memories of people I wish I could collect from all parts of the world and stick into one room...just to eat up their presence
-Homework
-Great christmas presents to give and recieve
-Barnes and Noble giftcards
-Chatting with an old friend in their front yard
-Being at church
-Seeing Pastor Dave get up so quickly to sing Feliz Navidad-always ready to serve
-Hugs at work
-Food, hot chocolate
-Family
-Lights
-Cookies for neighbors
-Tears of love
-Being grateful for Jesus and what He did and continues to do for me

Dear God,

I haven't just spent time with you. I haven't put everything aside and just sat quietly at Your feet. I've been too busy to listen. I've been too distracted to care. Like buzz lightyear, I feel like I've been put on demo mode. I don't even feel real?

I'm supposed to graduate in six days...but I don't have any energy left. I'm empty. In every sense of the world. I have regret. I have blame. I have excuses. But I don't have time.

But maybe now is not the time to pray. Maybe it's time to do.

Give me the strength to finish what I've started. Help me to run towards the prize.
Instead of beating the air.

Love you for loving me.

Giving up

I wish it was easy.

I wish I could push it all under the rug.

But I can't forget my responsibility. It doesn't let me sleep.

Crocodile Tears

I want to cry so badly.

Like really cry.

The dramatic heaving type.

The uncontrollable type.

Where it just flows and flows and makes you realize you never knew you had so much water in you.

Ya know, the type where you can't breathe.

But, I just don't have anything in me. For some stupid reason, even though I'm a storehouse of worry, anxiety, stress, and burden...I'm somehow not all those things...
It's just too weird for me.

Most days.

I'll be honest. For the most part, I don't even believe you exist.
You just don't seem real.

Probably because I've never experienced anything close to what we'll have.
It's always been one-sided.

Never ever both.

But, lately I feel like you're around the corner. Truly, I feel so close.

But who knows. I don't.

The finish line.

Somebody tell me it's close.

Somebody tell me that i can win.

Because I don't see the finish line or the victory.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh real monsters.

nose to nose.

I missed you today.

More than usual I think.

I think you should just show up already.

Oh you.

I know you want to brave.

And I know that you are brave.



I wish I could protect you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you.
I wish I could fix your every worry.

But more importantly, I know that isn't my place.

Even so, I'll keep right on praying.

sleep repeat.

I know what you're trying to do.

And ya know what, I don't even care. You're not gonna win this one.





Oh Lord, You alone are good. You have filled me and blessed me beyond measure. And i'm not going to let anyone or anything persuade me to believe different. Things might not be going the way that I would like them too. But i choose to be thankful for all things because i am sure that you are working all things together for the good. I trust you and I know I can depend on Your love. It never changes and it never fails.

Jesus Christ, i am butter in Your hands.

Fear.

I can feel it.

But I need to stop running. Lord, help me to stop running.

whirlwinds.

I have so much to look forward to.

But it's taking so long to get there.

beauty passes away...

I hate when someone tells you something...and it catches you by surprise.

The words they express aren't typical to their behavior. They are normally so indifferent. But for one split second you think they really care...they really mean what they say.

But then you realize...as they have already passed onto the next thing to say....they were just empty words. In fact, they have no idea they said them.

But then you're just left there. Trying to process. Trying to make what you heard real. But it just can't be done. But you still have to wrestle with it because even though you know you'll loose...you can't go down without trying to win.

All the while...the person is jabbering on about something else...

but you aren't listening.

Those first words just keep on repeating.

Life happens????

Boys can be sooooo stupid sometimes.


Give me a flippin' break...

cranberry sauce.

I don't know why he doesn't say her name.

I don't know why he wouldn't say her name.

Sometimes, I wish I could just crawl through some people's brain.
Mind read. I've always wanted that gift. People say it's a wish I'd regret...but I know I wouldn't.

I'd rather hear the ugliest of truths than a pretty lie.

But that's just me.

Christmas Time

I'm so glad we've met.

Lights

I remember two Christmas's ago.

I was with you.

Except, you were mad at me. haha
You were always mad at me.

But I remember being so happy. Absolutely content.

I just loved walking with you, in the middle of the night, when all the houses were lit with Christmas time.

<3

Bleh

I hate being compared. I mean, it's bad enough when I do it to myself...but when you compare me...

it just hurts.


I wish you knew how my heart has been feeling lately. I mean you ask how I am doing and then you don't even wait for an answer.

Can't you see that I'm breaking? Can't you see past this smile?

Oh Lord, I wish I could fall apart. I wish these hidden tears would pour out.
But I'm too numb. I don't feel anything anymore.

if i ever...

If i ever one day have a husband...he will be one of the most luckiest men in the world.

not because he'll have me...but because God knows i can't handle the slightest sorrow.



I am a "get out of jail free" card to those i deeply love.

.

Yes, my feelings are real.

But that does not necessarily mean they are not lying to me.


TRUE FACT.

It's hovering...

Heavenly Father, It's hovering over me.

I'm burdened.

But I'm not going to pray for You to take me out of this time of trial. Because maybe, just maybe, it is what i need.

All i ask is that You continue to give me the strength to keep trusting and praising Your name.


Amen.

overwhelmed

I could not be more overwhelmed...

i used to take pride in my work...i used to take care of every customer...even the very small details most people would say it was okay to forget...

but now im just failing...and if it was just the little things...i think i could get over that.

But I am making major mistakes...things that could legitimately jeopardize my future...

In other words, get fired.

ah.

God, I truly don't have a handle on things...I just keep falling deeper and deeper into a hole I can not dig myself out of.

Please, pour your grace upon me. I can't do it on my own.

I love.

I love being arm in arm. With you.

dreams.

Life has been super stupid lately.

And i've been...

Well, we don't need to go there right now.


I'm so sick of everything. My patience is up. I don't have one nice thing to say.
Even though I should be grateful...I'm not.

I'm frustrated and mad.

And I hate it. Every bit.

But I had a really happy dream last night. Actually, I dreamed of everything last night; I just couldn't stop.

Do you remember when we fell in love...

We were young and innocent then.



I almost wish I could remember the bad. But, it has completely left me...all I hold is the good.

who says nighty night?

Can you believe we are almost done with 2010? Where the heck did this year go?

Well, I'm basically halfway into my fourth semester of Bible Collge. It's been a crazy and hectic ride. I have never had to manage my time more closely. I feel like every minute counts and not a single bit should be wasted. And even though I can be pretty overwhelmed with stress sometimes, I have been completely blessed by each class I chose to take this fall.

Truly, God's Word has sustained me in ways I could never have imagined.

But, I'd like to recap a little on life so far.

Coming home from Italy...not easy.
Montebelluna had become my home. I met people who had become my family. And then it ended. All in the blink of an eye.
I became bitter. I questioned the Lord. I became upset with God. For giving and taking away.

Then there was the job hunt. Empty applications. Feeling inadequate.
Group interviews. Correction, interview. Rejection.

Then there was a friend. Pregnancy (obviously not mine). An opened opportunity. God's grace. Culligan.

Then there actually working...ha ha...

Going from temporary to full time.

And now...

I've never been more blessed in my life. I will never forget Italy. But I have come to understand it was only for a seaon. Because the truth is, I am only a pilgrim in this world. And although I may be tempted to become attached, I know now that I am only passing through. I can say I am learning more and more to put my complete hope in Jesus. He is the person I depend on.
I've also learned it is okay to fail. It is okay to push on closed doors.
I've learned that God hears and answers prayers.
And that beginnings are often times hard.
But more importantly, I've learned that it's all about Him.

WHAAAAAT?!

Surprises.



Sometimes they are good and sometimes they are not...



Haha



To be honest, you didn't get too much of a reaction outta me. I've definitely seen worse.

Blueberry Buttons

I love the way he explains things.

Maybe because I love being understood.

Maybe because I love to understand.

new leaf

I truly wish it was fall. I don't think I've ever missed jacket season so much...



I will soon be starting my last semester of Bible College. Who knew it would come this quickly? I've survived Murrieta. Twice. I've flown across the atlantic and have lived in a tiny little town called Montebelluna. I have been thrown completely out of my comfort zone. In more ways than one. I have learned so much about Jesus, myself, and frankly life.



And now it's all coming to an end. The last chapter to this specific tale.



I'm excited. I'm excited to FINALLY study the book of Revelation. Let's just say, I have been avoiding it. I'm excited to finish my very last Chuck track, though they have come very handy. I dare say, they are the cure to all break-up blues. Aha.



But mostly, I'm excited to find out what comes after.

Idiot.

It's been a long time. Well, maybe not. Because I'm already feeling a lot better. I think.
The real test will be when it turns three o'clock.

Or when it's late at night...right before bedtime.

Hah, hmmmm. Now that I think about it...it wasn't too bad at all...although i was completely pissed off last night. That's when I felt like an idiot.

And then there was church...and hearing all those people talk. It intimidates me. It makes me want to hide. But they don't understand that. Most people are unaware, as they should be.

I don't even know why I'm acting this way. I haven't the slightest clue. I thought things were going better I guess. But they aren't.

I'm still afraid of everything.
I still cling to what I know I shouldn't hold on to...and for what you ask??? Because, when I am empty handed...really, life is okay. I can be happy. I can move forward. But, as soon as you tempt me...and I mean really tempt me....with the unexpected...with the unknown...with the endless possibilities...I reach out and grab...for deal life.

Because, well, because I'm lame....because I do want it...and I want it now.

But, I feel better already...although its a shallow better.

Jesus has some deeper things to work on.

So, I apologize. For, last night. For my anger issues. For freaking out so much. For not trusting you. For thinking that I know better.

Help me not to be so stupid next time too.
Thanks.

Love,

Me

I forgot to mention

When I snuck out of my parent's room...

Juniper jumped out of bed and followed me.
She walked downstairs with me, so I could write all this down...
and here she is...sitting right beside me...softly asleep.

I am thoroughly retarded.

I was lying on my parents bedroom floor...

Why?
Because I hate being left.

I am twenty years old. And do you want to know who my best friend is??
My dog.

I pretty much love Juniper with all my heart. I love her cute little face. I love how soft her fur is. I love to pet her belly and neck fat. hahaha that sounds really gross...I love to talk to her. Although-it's never meaningful talk like they show in the movies...yeah, she's my baby and she gets to listen to my high pitched annoying voice all day.

But she has one fault...she doesn't like to be bothered when she sleeps...well, I guess I can't really blame her for that...except, most nights- I'm restless. I toss and turn. I try to turn off the thoughts and enter my sweet dreamland...but frankly, it takes time. And Juniper hates that. She doesn't want to readjust. She has one position and she'll stay that way until she wakes up in the morning. So, eventually-she leaves. And my broken heart goes with her. haha.

Or if I stay up too late...she'll leave me and go to our bed by herself, knowing that I'll come up soon enough. She's sweet like that.

But tonight was another one of those restless nights...I felt alone. Really, alone. To the point where you just feel...well, almost sick. There's hopelessness. Well, you just feel like crap.

So, I'll laying on my parent's floor...so that Juniper can fall asleep with them...and I can leave her.
Just that slight difference...and it's bearable. Because, I believe being alone by choice is greater than being alone by abandonment.

And this is all over a dog...

While I was in Italy...well come to think of it, it was another restless night. In any case, I don't even know where the thought came from, but I had the sudden desire to be my grandma Jennie's caretaker. She needed one. Everyone else had failed. And I thought I could somehow help...finally get the opportunity to practice what I preach and love. She would have need of me and I would have need of her. But it wouldn't work out. For various reasons that don't need to be mentioned at this point.

Today, I moved my bed over to my grandma Jessie's. I called her yesterday. I was actually quite nervous to talk to her...I thought she would turn me down. But she didn't have the slightest bit of hesitation...she simply said "okay." I was estactic...I was finally getting my break. I immediately moved my mattress down my flight of stairs and leaned it against the wall...so when I was finally ready to go to sleep last night...I realized I was out of a bed. Truly, it was the weirdest feeling in my life. I moved my mattress from against the wall and set it right smack dab in the middle of the living room. I lay there...sad. Sad, sad, sad. I didn't even get to sleep one last time in my room...I was randomly placed...like I wasn't even home. Like, for a split second, I didn't have a home. I've never felt that before.

Now, I'm remembering when Jarrett moved out. He was sad that day too...I remember him saying he needed a hug...

Today, I walked into my grandpa's old room. It was remarkably clean...not at all like how I had expected it to be. His picture was on the wall. I looked at it. His face was familiar...but the memories...well, they're empty. And that made me...empty.

It's a dark room and all of a sudden, I felt scared. I felt like...he was still in there. Sick and dying. I didn't want to be there.

These are all feelings I did not think I'd be feeling.
But, I know that it's just me...being weird. I know everything will turn out all right.
It will be a good thing.

Laugh.

Sometimes, it's the only thing you can do.

Why? Why?

That seems to be the word of...well, the past couple months actually.
I don't understand. A lot of things. But, I wish I did. Yep, that would definitely be good.
Gosh Lord, You're amazing.

But You don't make any sense. I wish I could pick Your brain sometimes.

If i could run...

I'd get away from you.

Why?

Why?

I don't get. I don't know why the heck this is happening. It isn't fair. Not for me. Not for you.
I hate the human heart. It's so flawed. So stupid.
That's why I lost mine along time ago. It's easier to live when your heart isn't beating.

My hands are empty.
I have nothing to give.

Pretty sure

...I'm having the best cup of tea of my life.

But I burnt my tongue...again. It's a bad habit of mine.

Well, here's the truth. Today I spent my night watching "Say Yes to the Dress" or something like that. It used to be one of my favorite shows. And it makes sense...it's fashion, it's marriage, it's lifelong happiness...pretty much every girls dream.

But tonight...the show made me cringe...I couldn't help but think...

What if that was me...what if I was the one who was planning for the day to say "I do"
And that thought freaked me out! I don't want to put on wedding dresses. I don't want to get married. I don't want to be stuck to a single person for the rest of my ever-lovin' life! That's stressful. Scary. Not pleasant.

And I am not ready. No desire there. I mean, it's there. I mean, I see myself married one day...that day just anywhere near this day. And that's okay. I am okay with that.

I just have to find something to do in the meantime...

This is to You Lord.

You are the only One I feel comfortable with. You're the only One I can be completely honest to.

And You are the only One who knows exactly what my heart is going through.

Lord, I am not a people person. People are irritating. They make me...awkward. And really, they just freak me out. And well, I'm sure that's more my fault than theirs...but it's easier to blame them.

Lord Jesus, I need you. A whole lot. Since I got home from Italy...I've slacked off. I haven't been a woman of prayer, a woman of acting faith, a woman who searches and lives in Your Word. Instead, I've been a sloth. A loser really. And I need to remember this. I need to know that I suck. Badly. That...if there is any good that comes from me...it's really You. And that's all. I'm worthless. I suck. I get prideful so easily. And I think and pretend like I know what I'm doing. But I don't. I don't have a clue, Lord.

But God, You are good. You see me. And You love me. I don't know why...but I'm not going to question it.

In any case, here's the truth. I'm in a mess. Well, maybe my situation isn't so bad...but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was freaking out some. But, I know that You're the answer...I know for a fact that You alone are all I need.

So, that's what I'm going to do...depend fully on You. Pursue You and nothing else. Because I trust that if I seek first Your kingdom and it's righteousness....everything (and you mean everything) will be added unto me.

Amen.

Tomorrow's to do list.
1. Pray like nobody's business.
2. Memorize a verse...not because I have to...but because I need to.
3. Walk Juniper
4. Love my parents
5. Call kohls

Humor.

I love to watch you laugh...even if it's at my expense.

Car rides.

It's a funny thing...how much i love being in a car.
For me, it's never been about the destination...it's always been about the drive.

I love the endless road...I love the idea of never ending up anyway. Although, to be honest, I don't know if that's a good thing.

In the car, my mind can run free, even though my body is seatbelted in.

Though, I'm never much company-- I don't really want to talk. (Though I'm not always opposed) But I'd much rather gaze out the window. It's not that I'm ignoring you. In fact, I probably love your presense. I love that you're driving. I love that you're there and I'm not alone. It's a weird thing.

For me, the silence makes the bond stronger. I don't even know why...but I...

Well, it just feels right. Whatever that means.

Children.

I kind of like em. :)

You're my friend.

I am a very lucky girl.

Loved...maybe that's a better word. And the sucky thing is...I don't know why. I spend my night...chatting with probably the most amazing person in the world...even though I'm worth nothing. Going over the conversation, even now, I realize that every word that came out of my mouth was stupid and empty. Selfish really. I love attention too much.

But the truth is...when I get past myself, which is hardly ever.
And just listen...to you...I'm amazed. I love the words that come out of your mouth.
I love the way you speak. I love the way you process things. And I love your heart and it's many convictions. I wish I could literally breathe you in.

And I realized tonight, you're everything I need, but not mature enough to want.
And I'm...well I'm probably the opposite of what you need and maybe a tad bit of what you want...but not really. You're smart enough to know better. But, like you said, there's always that small hint. But that isn't you. It's just human.

Hah, it's funny really. When you really sit down and think about it.

But, I think, at least for this moment...I want to marry you. Definitely not today. Definitely not tomorrow. But maybe in like seven years. But, I'm probably just being a girl. I mean, I'm not attracted to you. You don't light up my world. In fact, I think you're too bold and honest for me. Sometimes, you hurt my feelings...but I can't be mad at you because all you're saying is truth...and that's frustrating. Really frustrating.

But you've got something. Tonight, with all the things you said about love and marriage...well, I love how stable you are. The truth is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of settling. I'm afraid of falling out of love...I'm afraid of not being wanted anymore. But you...you're constant. You don't sway. You're not emotional. I don't have to worry about you not liking me anymore...sure I know my personality irritates you...I know you get sick of me sometimes and wish I'd just go away. But you love me. And that love isn't impacted by your mood.

With you, I feel safe. I didn't feel that way with him. Yes, he gave me butterflys. He made my heart melt at times. But I never felt safe. That whole year...I lived in fear. It became my home. With him, I didn't know my up from my down. One minute I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him...the next minute I wanted to break up. And that's how it went. I loved him. I hated him.

But you, I love you. Not because you're anything special. You're not extraordinarily handsome. You're short. Too short for me, sorry if you ever read this...that one will probably hurt. But it's the truth...if only you were a little bit taller(...i wish i was a....)
In any case, I know that you have more value than I can even calculate. You are a hidden treasure.

But even with my shallow excuses, I know...that if I ever got past them...if I just let myself love you. That would be the end of it. There would be absolutely no turning back. I would be yours forever. And that's the honest truth.

Scary huh?

Maybe I do feel like writing...

It's just that my pen is slower than my fingertips.

Sorry my sweet beautiful half-filled journal.

Sorry.

I'm calmer now.

Truly, now you know, don't ever let me watch a sad movie again. They tear me to shreds. (I don't think I've ever spelt the word "shreds" before...it kind of looks funny)

Nevertheless, I'm sorry for being so dramatic. I never knew this but... I'm dramatic. I barely found out these last couple of months. Mary Hart told me I was dramatic every morning after I repeatedly stated, "I hate my life." I really don't. It's quite nice actually.

It's just that, I don't like loosing people. But is that wrong? To be honest, I really don't know that answer to that question...nor do I know why my keyboard is acting so funny. But I'm being serious. I mean...God...You're the only one I'm supposed to need. And You are. Obviously.

But then...blah... I feel stupid for asking. I just don't get it.

I mean...

Maybe, I'm wrong. Maybe...

Oh, and before I forget to mention...to the love of my life (wherever the heck you are) I am attached to you. Believe me, I'm already yours. But yeah...I didn't mean to make it sound that you are easy to replace. Because you aren't. You really aren't. You're just getting thrown off the island because you're not even on the island to get thrown off. And that's the honest truth. Guess what book I've been reading. Though I stopped...I'll have you know I stopped.

Jesus, You're the best.

I really

hate sad movies. They make me very sad. And that to me is worthless.

dkfjsofjisjfoisj They make me think to much. About death. About loss. About feeling that terrible thing that you can't describe...but it lives in your stomach. And you can't escape it. It really lives there. And you feel gross. And it makes you want to die too. But to be honest, it doesn't at all feel like pain...it's just pure emptiness. And there is nothing worse than that.

I'm really attached. I don't like change. I like to stay right here. On my couch. Knowing that everyone I love is sitting somewhere to. In the right place. It's all about the right place. And that's the truth.

I mean, I dream about .... love. That person. But the truth is. I don't know who that is.
Future love of my life, I don't know who the heck you are. And I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry...but I'm not attached to you yet. I don't need you like I need everyone else.

And I'd give you up. I'd give my whole future up to keep those I have now. But I can't. People come and they go. And I hate that. I hate that so much I could just die right now.

By the way, I'm way over dramatic and writing this all very fast...because I just finished a sad movie. And this is what happens after I watch a sad movie. I get crazy and my thoughts go everywhere and nothing makes sense. Which is why I try to avoid such things...but people tell you that they're good. He said this movie was good. But it was not good. No not at all.

The point is. Well, there is no point. But what my mind kind of whats to communicate...is that if I love you...I really love you. I hope you know that...whoever you are. Whether your my mom, dad, brother, sister, niece, nephew, friend, jfdskjflsjfd the list goes on...if i love you...well- you have to know it. I really need you to know it.

Oh God, I don't understand love. I hate that you give me the capacity but take away the person. I love that sometimes I love empty air. And it's a thing I'm going through. I know that You are good. I know that You are perfect. And I know that who you put into my life and who you take out...there is a true and perfect significance. Even if i don't understand it. And i don't. I really don't.

But, help me to trust You. Help me.