Jewel

I had a really amazing retreat.  There weren't really any "mountain-top" experiences...but rather quiet moments with the Lord.

He reminded me of how much He loves me and how He simply wants to spend time with me and be my friend.  Sometimes, I let my life get busy and I don't spend the necessary time communing with my Father.

Terri made an announcement that there would be containers near the front of the stage and that we were to put our prayer requests, worries, or whatever really, inside the bowl or vase.  Ya know, a giving and a surrender to God.

It's funny...I didn't know what to put in.  Part of me wanted to ask for direction in regards to school and a career...but I've known for a while now that He would lead me in the right direction as long as I kept moving forward.  I'm actually going to major in creative writing.  I mean I love to write.  It's just magic to me.  But, I've never been creative in my life...and this semester when I found out that I would have two creative writing papers...I got so stressed out.  It's totally out of my comfort zone...but that's what made it so thrilling.  I had to open my heart and I had to search my mind in a way that I've never done before.  I got to share about Sandy and picking olives in Italy...and for a split moment, I was reunited with my dear friend and I was back in the field that won my heart so long ago.

I don't know, maybe I've change my major a billion more times but for now it's what I'm going for.  You have to start somewhere ya know.  :)

Then there was the issue with him.  I don't think I was trying to force a relationship into existence...Not that I would claim I'm completely over my control issues...however, I was able to realize that whenever I try to force a relationship into existence it ALWAYS blows up in my face.  And since, one of those times was with him...I think those memories of the past allowed me to...tread lightly, I guess. 

But I would say this...I wanted to know, is this it or is this not it.  Like, let's get this show on the road...chop chop.  Yada Yada Yada...

I felt entitled to an answer.  And it was almost as if my attitude was like, "if he isn't the guy...I'm not going to waste my time nurturing a friendship that will ultimately go no where."  Or..."if he is the guy, we just need to get married...like tomorrow."

It was just sooooo cut and dry.  And I think part of that has to do with my last relationship...We were together for a little over a year and after it was all said and done, I felt like I had let so much time go to waste.  I think about all the time I could have spent at Bible college...actually trying to develop friendships or even just serving the Lord more wholeheartedly and yet I was consumed with fear and confusion.  I just lived inside of a dark hole...when I could have been utilizing my time more effectively.  And it's become a part of my life I don't want to repeat. 

But I think what I learned or am learning...is we don't have to rush...their aren't any time constraints...

He himself is just out of a relationship and I know from personal experience that it takes time to sort through all that...and not even just the feelings aspect but learning "ok, this is where I went wrong or this is a quality I am not willing to compromise with a partner or this quality isn't as important as I thought it would be..."  Etc Etc

All in all, he's my friend and I am his.  Maybe nothing romantic will stem from what we have now...but I have to be willing to invest...we need to get to know each other and stop assuming that we already have. 

A lot can happen in seven years...and I've realized I want to know a lot more about that and how he got to where he is today. :)

I guess the point is I need to put in my dues.

And if the time ever does come where we reach a fork in the road...
I want us to both be strong enough to walk away or........

I want him to put himself out there...take a leap, and really risk everything...