I am thoroughly retarded.

I was lying on my parents bedroom floor...

Why?
Because I hate being left.

I am twenty years old. And do you want to know who my best friend is??
My dog.

I pretty much love Juniper with all my heart. I love her cute little face. I love how soft her fur is. I love to pet her belly and neck fat. hahaha that sounds really gross...I love to talk to her. Although-it's never meaningful talk like they show in the movies...yeah, she's my baby and she gets to listen to my high pitched annoying voice all day.

But she has one fault...she doesn't like to be bothered when she sleeps...well, I guess I can't really blame her for that...except, most nights- I'm restless. I toss and turn. I try to turn off the thoughts and enter my sweet dreamland...but frankly, it takes time. And Juniper hates that. She doesn't want to readjust. She has one position and she'll stay that way until she wakes up in the morning. So, eventually-she leaves. And my broken heart goes with her. haha.

Or if I stay up too late...she'll leave me and go to our bed by herself, knowing that I'll come up soon enough. She's sweet like that.

But tonight was another one of those restless nights...I felt alone. Really, alone. To the point where you just feel...well, almost sick. There's hopelessness. Well, you just feel like crap.

So, I'll laying on my parent's floor...so that Juniper can fall asleep with them...and I can leave her.
Just that slight difference...and it's bearable. Because, I believe being alone by choice is greater than being alone by abandonment.

And this is all over a dog...

While I was in Italy...well come to think of it, it was another restless night. In any case, I don't even know where the thought came from, but I had the sudden desire to be my grandma Jennie's caretaker. She needed one. Everyone else had failed. And I thought I could somehow help...finally get the opportunity to practice what I preach and love. She would have need of me and I would have need of her. But it wouldn't work out. For various reasons that don't need to be mentioned at this point.

Today, I moved my bed over to my grandma Jessie's. I called her yesterday. I was actually quite nervous to talk to her...I thought she would turn me down. But she didn't have the slightest bit of hesitation...she simply said "okay." I was estactic...I was finally getting my break. I immediately moved my mattress down my flight of stairs and leaned it against the wall...so when I was finally ready to go to sleep last night...I realized I was out of a bed. Truly, it was the weirdest feeling in my life. I moved my mattress from against the wall and set it right smack dab in the middle of the living room. I lay there...sad. Sad, sad, sad. I didn't even get to sleep one last time in my room...I was randomly placed...like I wasn't even home. Like, for a split second, I didn't have a home. I've never felt that before.

Now, I'm remembering when Jarrett moved out. He was sad that day too...I remember him saying he needed a hug...

Today, I walked into my grandpa's old room. It was remarkably clean...not at all like how I had expected it to be. His picture was on the wall. I looked at it. His face was familiar...but the memories...well, they're empty. And that made me...empty.

It's a dark room and all of a sudden, I felt scared. I felt like...he was still in there. Sick and dying. I didn't want to be there.

These are all feelings I did not think I'd be feeling.
But, I know that it's just me...being weird. I know everything will turn out all right.
It will be a good thing.